Standing in the kitchen at 6:15 A.M. this morning making lunch for my son, I was wondering how many PBJ’s I’ve made this year half asleep. Then after the mug of coffee kicked in I realized that I only have five more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to make until school is out! Yeah, this is my life now!

Summer break is just over the hill, it’s a mixed bag of feelings. Having two kids home all day comes with trade offs. I get to retire the alarm clock for a while, but I also have to figure out what to do with both of them all day long.

Feel free to email me if you have any ideas about how to keep two kids busy for the summer, with my sanity in tact!

I guess you can look at it either way. Seventeen days of freedom left, peace and quiet for me and the dogs and then…..school is out. And 17 days until the kids have their freedom, for the Summer!

And what will we do all Summer since we are not in the market for a vacation? Send me some ideas on how to entertain two 13 year olds, who are too old for camps, at least that’s what they tell me, scared of sunlight from staying inside in the dark, playing Minecraft too much, and are only allowed to roam just so far, or the GPS will report to me that they have strayed out of the safe boundaries. Any ideas?

Day 10 Summer Break, now what do I do with those kids?

Who wouldn’t like sitting in a tree house gazing out at the white fluffy clouds during the Summer? I think every parent should have a place where they can hide from their kids, especially when they are teens. And sometimes I think  I’m just better off keeping my distance from them until they sprout some respect and manners!

I would put a huge lock on the door and crank up the wi-fi so I can take my laptop with me. Dinner, no problem, Domino’s Pizza delivers anywhere!

http://http://www.popularmechanics.com/home/improvement/outdoor-buildings/4291691#slide-2

Has anyone seen those twins I used to refer to as Rocket Boy and Channel Chick? They used to look like this when they were young and sweet, anyone seen them?

Hmmm, I wonder where they are?

When things were simple….

If this is puberty, I don’t like it! Suddenly kids morph into unrecognizable creatures, who can’t hear anything but the ice cream truck, yea they’re not too old for that! I’m amazed at how rapidly their hearing has decreased lately, and to think that I was the one going to all of those 70′s concerts, I should be the one who can’t hear!

It’s amazing how long they can hold out before responding, and usually with a sharp-tongued answer. How long does this last?  When will they return to their former personalities? When I grew up in the sixties, I recall that we had respect for our parents, and our ears were open to nearly all that our parents had to say.

But now kids can hide behind headphones, iPods, computers, anything to block out parents.

If anyone happens to stumble across these two, could you please return… Continue reading →

I think Jimmy Buffet was right when he said, “life is like a tire swing.” The only part he left out was how much it hurts when you slam into the tree! I wonder if he had twin preteens/teens? I’d trade teens for toddlers any day. You begin to wonder what happened to those agreeable little people you brought into the world. Suddenly they’re all hormones and hollering.

And I’m at a loss. Do I “say nothing?”  Do I preach and punish? Do I email Richard Branson, the British dude and book a flight on the Virgin Galactic ASAP? There are 530 customers already signed up, should I be number 531? Should I sacrifice my kids’ college funds for that $200,000 space trip?

Take me away!

Now granted, it’s hard for Mommies In Orbit to keep her mouth shut all of the time, sometimes those kids just have it coming to them. What parent doesn’t blow off steam once in a while? Just because you become a parent doesn’t mean you have to lose your independent voice, right?

In the meantime, kids are gonna test me and push me and possibly even think, oh look she’s going over the edge. But life… Continue reading →

A ping test determines the latency (communication delay) between your computer and another computer on a network. Several different types of ping tests exist.

I have found how to perform a special pinging test right here at home. This involves communication between parents and kids and dogs. Given that I’m a computer on one end of the network trying to ping my kids to get their attention and tell them it’s time for bed, or I’m pinging the dogs outside in the darkness to get their butts in here immediately, I’m finding there is a HUGE communication delay. What’s up with that?

I wonder what causes that? With teens, I believe it’s part of their development, tuning out the parents on pretty much any subject, unless it’s solely for their gain. The dogs thoroughly enjoy hiding outside in the darkness and listening to me demand (ha ha) that they get in here now. Meanwhile they are both out there sniffing every packet of grass they can get their noses on. It’s what they do, I think they’re picking up those habits from the kids, not listening.

With pinging, if I get a reply, then I know it’s working. Or if I see… Continue reading →

It takes a radio signal 20 minutes to get from Earth to Mars. How long does it take your kids to respond to a simple request, comment or remark? Just what I thought, longer than the time it takes the signal to travel  from Earth to Mars! Do kids hear us when we talk to them, or are they adept at blocking out parents?

Are they really interested in that computer game or iPod, or have they just completely tuned us out? And if they have mastered tuning out parents, then can they teach me that trick, so I can tune them out?  That would be great! While they are teens will I need some kind of signal booster to get through to them? Does Radio Shack have some of those or can I order one from Amazon?

You know the feeling you get when you’ve been blindsided? And afterwards you just sit in your desk chair shaking your head and saying, “What happened?”

I thought the toddler years were frustrating; potty-training, temper tantrums, no-naps, and toys all over the place. I’ve been warned by friends that when your kids enter the teen years, look out!

You may find yourself saying, “Who are these kids? And where are we headed?”

I feel like I’m getting it from all sides, backtalk, frustrations, solar flares, you name it, and it’s headed my way! I’m sporting full armor, with ear-plugs, and face shield (to avoid witnessing the eye-rolling)! Do you think this will embarrass my kids when their friends come over? Do I even care at this point? I hope they calm down before Summer, because this outfit is gonna be real hard to swim in!

 Mommies In Orbit, In Armor!

Lately I’ve been attempting to catch up with the middle school madness that my kids bring home with them everyday.  I’m curious to know what goes on in the halls of knowledge. I thought I had a pretty clear idea of what transpires during the day, but boy was I wrong! Over the weekend, my kids introduced me to the word SWAG, yep, that’s what I thought!

Sounds like…. if you got it, then that’s a good thing, and if you don’t, well you’re OUT. SWAG is all about style and appearance and how you look to others. And I thought that most of the kids just crawled out of bed in the morning and ran for the bus! “You look swag, dude!” or “You got swag!”

So swag must be similar to what “cool” meant in the seventies! I wouldn’t dare use a slang word from the seventies around my kids or they would hide forever from embarrassment. Actually, that’s not a bad idea! That’s one way to regain some sanity.  I suppose we could look at  SWAG in economic terms from a parent’s view, meaning, “WOW, I sure dropped a load of cash  at the mall over the weekend!” But my kids will sure have SWAG on Monday morning!

Or… Continue reading →

Only one day after Valentine’s Day, on Friday Feb. 15th, an asteroid that’s half the size of a football field will zoom between our Earth and orbiting satellites.  I got this, I’m a Mom of twins entering the hormonal orbit, surely it can’t get much worse.

From what I’ve read, Earth will have about 17,200 miles to spare, don’t worry!

http://rt.com/news/paint-asteroid-earth-nasa-767/

You know those conversations you have with your kids when you’re just yelling across the room, up the stairs, or out the front door? I call that type of communication talking in code. These are tidbits of communication, just enough to get your point across, for now. This type of communication is popular at my house, there’s just no time during the week for entire sentences.

Here’s some of our AM Code:

• You Up?
• GET UP NOW!
• EAT!
• Backpacks?
• Got your lunch?
• Let’s Go!
• Stop bickering!
• Bye!

It’s quiet with both kids in school, time to let the dogs in… time to let the dogs out, repeat, repeat, repeat!

PM Code

• How was school?
• Hungry?
• Homework, anyone?
• No Spongebob!
• Dinner’s ready.
• Homework?
• Sleepy?
• Good night.

Then we do it all over again! I”m ready for Spring Break, and maybe a little more conversation!

We drive Mommy crazy by going in and out all day long!!

Remember the video of Sweet Brown who escaped an apartment fire and her words practically became a household phrase? My kids introduced me to this via YouTube. It’s a catchy little tune, and after hearing it a few hundred times on my kid’s iPods, I came up with a list of things that I ain’t got time for!

• You’re feeling the heat from your kids going through one of their many preteen solar flares and then when they finally settle down you ask, “What’s wrong?” They reply with “NOTHING!!!!”   Ain’t nobody got time for that, BS!
• Waiting in line for the customer ahead of me to scroll through her phone looking for coupons that might save her 10 cents while backing up the line around the bend, to that I say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
• Spending too much time in the kitchen preparing a moderately healthy dinner and when it’s ready calling to the kids, “Time to eat!” to which I hear no response, and to which I say to myself, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
• Sitting in the pick up car lane at school, and patiently waiting for the person in front of me to get… Continue reading →

Ever wonder why raising twins is similar to the Big Bang? “The Big Bang theory is the prevailing cosmological model that describes the early development of the Universe.”

My theory of The Big Bang is one of raising boy and girl preteen twins under the same roof. Universe, you ain’t got nothing on this noise here on earth. There’s only a certain amount of time that twin brothers and sisters should be allowed to spend together. Once they hit that limit, the whole thing gets noisy and explodes.  Part of the reason that tempers are flaring is the fact that we are still in the middle of Winter. And while spending time with our loved ones can be nice, I find it claustrophobic and overwhelming!  Once Spring gets here, things become a bit quieter as the kids return to the great outdoors, and Mom can use the great lock on the door to keep them out!!!!

There’s only so many boring board games two kids can play together before one of them decides that not following the rules would be loads of fun. The other one thinks that’s just awful, you know the type, the one who always colored… Continue reading →

Yep, parenting in midlife, awesome, challenging, tiring, nuts, fun and emotional. Yes, especially emotional. Watching two 12 year olds spin into the preteen orbit is comparable to hunting for Black Holes. Once you find one, the gravity is relentless, raising kids is quite the same. One day it’s like clockwork and the next day, you may experience one solar flare after another!

So, now what?

Why parent in midlife? Why not? I wasn’t ready for kids in my twenties, had too many things to do, accomplish, experience, you know what I mean. Thirties rolled around, time to develop some sort of career, ha, like that ever materialized! Forties sneaked up on me, and I thought whoa, something is missing here. The rest of the story…….twins!

So now what? Keep them on track, teach them some useful stuff, show them the world, and love them lots!

Have you ever felt like just blurting out to someone, “Mind your own business!” It’s kinda like if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything. I don’t usually get on a rant, except about my kids, who as you know are both 12 going on 30!

So who is Aphrodite and why am I blogging about her? She was considered the goddess of love and beauty. And by the looks of the picture, she was a blonde beauty. Well Mommies In Orbit has never been considered a beauty queen, just your average Midwestern gal, blonde hair and green eyes.

But the other day while I was at my eye doctor’s office for a laser procedure, I was sitting in the little chair in front of this machine that was just about to zap my left eye and make my vision a lot clearer, when from behind the fancy machine, I hear the doctor say, “Have you ever thought about Botox?” Wait, I thought I was here for a laser procedure on my eye.  I get that I’m over the hill, hell who isn’t and while I don’t look like Aphrodite, I sure as heck… Continue reading →

I’m told that when kids reach their teens, there’s a higher probability that they will only be seen or heard from when they require money or food! Sleeping takes up most of their day…. along with eating, texting and planning “activities.”  But before they reach the all out teen world, they are called preteens, and Mom and Dad pretty much do most of the planning and the chauffeuring. Don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.  They are almost always hanging around the house,  with periodic short trips outta here, this is why I call them The Boomerang Kids.

This can be a good thing, or it can wreck your nerves, depending upon these five distinct things:

• The time of year, Winter is always more claustrophobic with kids
• The personality type your child is, sweet, annoying, bored easily, did I mention annoying?
• How large your house is
• How good your hearing is
• How much vodka is in the cabinet

It’s a mixed bag of emotions.

You want them to fly the coop in order to save your sanity, or what’s left of it! But on the other hand, you want them to be safe and sound.… Continue reading →

The horizon is a line that separates our earth from the sky. Interesting, right?

As parents we know when something is “up” with our kids. It’s not just the occasional slump they experience from time to time caused by too much homework or a long week of school, or even the Winter blues.  You notice one day that your kids are becoming more opinionated, more sassy and  more competitive with one another. ( and with the parents.)

It takes a while to sink in and then you realize, they are becoming teenagers! OMG, it’s actually happening. You knew it would happen one day, especially when they entered the double-digit zone. In addition to fluctuating hormones wreaking havoc on the entire family unit, their brains are still developing.  At least there is a valid medical reason for their “speak before you think” episodes! Come on frontal lobe, let’s catch up with the rest of the brain, so the rest of us can survive your sudden outbursts.

Take for example, one boy and one girl, the same age…. they happen to be in the same grade, some of the same classes, eat lunch at the same time and ride the bus together. None… Continue reading →

Listen up Winter, I am so over you! I realize that this is not logical thinking in mid-January, but, hey, it’s the way I’m programmed. Right about this time of year, when the temperatures are plunging into the teens at night, I find myself getting restless for Spring. And I’m not the only one thinking about warmer weather, so is Target, they are showcasing tiny swim suits on tiny hangers right out there for the world to see!

Take a walk down the main aisle of Lowe’s or Home Depot and you’ll find packages of vegetable and flower seeds lined up brilliantly, alongside lawn mowers and patio furniture. OK, that I can deal with.

I don’t know about your kids and what they do with their excess energy, but mine are racing around the house like bulls! They certainly don’t want to go outside, it’s 14 degrees.  We don’t have any snow here in the midwest, only some leftover ice.  The sleds are parked in the garage, the boots are heaped in a pile and the kids stay indoors, long enough for them to get on Mommy’s last nerve. But hey, we only have the rest of January, February, March… Continue reading →

My kids told me that they had learned something new from watching a show called, “Fairly Odd-Parents.” It’s a show they sometimes watch after school when they are in the decompress mode from the long school day. One of the characters put on his anti-nag shield in response to someone’s nagging attempt, and then just buzzed away!  So I thought to myself, well that could go both ways. I know that for a fact my kids would use their anti-nag shields about three times per day when Mommies In Orbit blasted out their three favorite announcements:

• When they are told for the third time to get up and get ready for school!
• Also for that dreaded time of the day when Mom says, “Do you have your homework done?”
• And at bedtime, when I sound like a broken record telling them to get ready for bed, or else!!

But little do they know that this shield can come in handy for parents too. How about when the kids start nagging Mom about what’s for dinner and when and oh didn’t we just have tacos last night??? Insert anti-nag shield immediately. “What’s that you’re saying, can’t hear ya?”

Or how… Continue reading →

What would a Mom do with a time out? Well I’m about to get a clue during the next few days, while the kids are in a far away place visiting relatives! I’m all for hanging out with the kids, but every Mom needs a break from the chatter, the bickering, and the madness!

I’ve made myself a list of what to do, or not, during my time out!

• No cooking allowed!
• Silence the alarm clock…
• Hang out with the dogs!
• Listen to LOUD music !!!!
• Ban all Spongebob episodes. oh yeah!
• Shop the after Christmas sales…
• Watch Luke Bryan, Farm Tour, over and over!!
• Sleep in and nap often….
• Be amazed at how everything stays in place!
• Order Mom’s favorite pizza
• Just R-E-L-A-X!!

So, now what?

If you have kids, and you’re raising them, one orbit at a time, I bet your universe is expanding at the speed of light!

“Light travels at a speed of 186,000 miles a second or 700 million miles an hour.”

Just since my twins celebrated their 12th birthday, I couldn’t help but be reminded that they will both be teenagers next year at the same time! Now can I catch a ride on that speed of light? Talk about an expanding universe!

They both zipped through elementary school, and now three years in middle school and then high school, doesn’t seem possible. Over Thanksgiving we watched some videos of the kids when they were four or five years old. And really, it doesn’t seem that long ago.

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! How can these two preschoolers suddenly sprout into preteens with math homework comparable to what their Mom studied in high school! Time flies!

So, hold on tight, hug your kids often and tell them that you love them and oh yea, enjoy the ride.

The Expanding Universe!